Growing up I always felt different than everyone. I dressed like a boy, I acted like a boy, but I was born a girl. My family called me a tom-boy, and I thought that’s why I never felt right in girl clothes, or felt like I wasn’t like all my friends that were girls. The feelings never went away.
As I got older I pushed my feelings down and told myself “you are a girl, you can’t be a boy”. I tried to be a girl, I tried wearing girl clothes, but it never felt right.
I got married, had kids, tried to be what people wanted me to be, but I was unhappy. I hated my body, hated how I looked and felt. My mental health suffered, and it got so bad I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
Then one day my mom – who I love, but couldn’t let myself be me – moved away to marry her cousin. That’s when things changed, and I started slowly being myself. I cut my hair, got tattoos, changed the way I dressed, and little by little I felt good. I could look at myself in the mirror. But those feeling of me needing to be in a different body came back. I still wasn’t ready to accept it, not until my friend came out as trans. That was my Ah-hah! moment. That’s when I could say to myself “you are a man”. You aren’t a women, and it’s OK.
It took me weeks after I realized that I was trans to come out to my doctor, and my husband. My doctor was great about it, she put in a request to see a special doctor that would prescribe me T. Then I had to tell my husband, at first he said “are you crazy?” Hours later he said he was OK with it. My husband isn’t fully behind me as a man. He tells me to get my face waxed so I won’t grow facial hair, tells me don’t take T too long, just a bit. When he does say those things I tell him “no I am trans, and it’s for life”. I think in time he will accept me for me. I know he loves me, and wants me to be happy and healthy.
I have come out to my friends and family and have gotten nothing but love. My mom – who I thought wouldn’t accept me and would be mad – told me she loved me, and wanted to support me. She even asked about what I wanted her to call me now. Wow! She gets it! My mom who I couldn’t tell major things to in the past actually gets it! Her husband went on about the Bible, saying this is a sin, she told him to shut it.
The only people I haven’t come out to are my in-laws. The reason being, they are Catholic, and will be cruel to my husband and I over this. I know I can’t hide this forever, but will keep it from them as long as I can.
I am excited for the future, I can’t wait for the changes from taking T to really start to show. I know in a year or so I will want top surgery, but I want to give my husband and kids time to get used to me being a man before I do anything else major.
This is the view of the author and may or may not be the view of Pride matters or any other authors.